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<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
My baby passed away 112 days ago.<\/p>\n
People told me time would make it easier.
\nThat the sharpness of the pain would fade.
\nThat I would slowly \u201clearn to live again.\u201d<\/p>\n
But they were wrong.<\/p>\n
If anything\u2026 the silence has only grown louder.<\/p>\n
The first few days after he died were a blur.<\/p>\n
There were people everywhere.
\nVoices. Hugs. Food I couldn\u2019t eat.
\nWords I couldn\u2019t hear.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d
\n\u201cHe\u2019s in a better place.\u201d
\n\u201cYou\u2019re strong.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded. I thanked them. I survived those days somehow.<\/p>\n
But then\u2026 everyone went back to their lives.<\/p>\n
And I was left alone in a world that no longer made sense.<\/p>\n
His room is still there.<\/p>\n
I haven\u2019t touched it.<\/p>\n
The tiny clothes folded in drawers.
\nThe blanket that still smells like him.
\nThe little socks that never stayed on his feet.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I sit on the floor in that room and just\u2026 breathe.<\/p>\n
As if somehow, if I stay long enough, I\u2019ll feel him again.<\/p>\n
I miss holding my son in my arms.<\/p>\n
Not just the big moments.
\nNot just the milestones he\u2019ll never reach.<\/p>\n
I miss the small things.<\/p>\n
The weight of him on my chest.
\nThe way his fingers curled around mine.
\nThe quiet sounds he made when he slept.<\/p>\n
Those moments didn\u2019t feel important at the time.<\/p>\n
Now\u2026 they are everything.<\/p>\n
He was sick.<\/p>\n
The seizures came without warning.
\nEvery day was a fight. Every moment was fear.<\/p>\n
I remember nights sitting awake, watching his chest rise and fall, terrified it might stop.<\/p>\n
And here\u2019s the part that breaks me the most\u2014<\/p>\n
A part of me would take him back exactly as he was.
\nThe hospital visits.
\nThe exhaustion.
\nThe fear.<\/p>\n
All of it.<\/p>\n
Just to hold him again.<\/p>\n
Just to hear him breathe.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve told God everything.<\/p>\n
The anger.
\nThe confusion.
\nThe heartbreak.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve asked questions I never thought I would ask.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy him?\u201d
\n\u201cWhy me?\u201d
\n\u201cWhat did I do to deserve this?\u201d<\/p>\n
Some days, I feel like He\u2019s listening.<\/p>\n
Other days\u2026 it feels like I\u2019m shouting into nothing.<\/p>\n
But deep down, somewhere beneath the pain, I feel this quiet whisper:<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s okay to feel this way\u2026 just don\u2019t let go of Me.\u201d<\/p>\n
So I try.<\/p>\n
I really try.<\/p>\n
But grief isn\u2019t something you \u201chandle.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s something you carry.<\/p>\n
It shows up in unexpected moments\u2014<\/p>\n
In grocery stores when I see baby food.
\nIn parks when I hear laughter.
\nIn the middle of the night when I wake up reaching for him.<\/p>\n
And then reality hits again.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n
People don\u2019t talk about what comes after the funeral.<\/p>\n
They don\u2019t talk about the emptiness.
\nThe identity you lose.
\nThe version of yourself that no longer exists.<\/p>\n
I was a mother.<\/p>\n
I still am.<\/p>\n
But my arms are empty.<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s a kind of pain no one can prepare you for.<\/p>\n
Some days, I feel angry.<\/p>\n
Angry at the world for continuing.
\nAngry at people for smiling.
\nAngry at myself for still being here.<\/p>\n
Other days\u2026 I feel nothing at all.<\/p>\n
Just numb.<\/p>\n
Like I\u2019m moving through life, but not really living it.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know what this is supposed to look like.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know how to move forward without leaving him behind.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know how to be okay again.<\/p>\n
But I do know this:<\/p>\n
He was real.
\nHe mattered.
\nHe was loved more than words can ever describe.<\/p>\n
And maybe\u2026 that love doesn\u2019t disappear.<\/p>\n
Maybe it changes.<\/p>\n
Maybe it becomes something I carry inside me, instead of something I hold.<\/p>\n
112 days.<\/p>\n
It feels like a lifetime.<\/p>\n
And also like it just happened yesterday.<\/p>\n
I still talk to him sometimes.<\/p>\n
Quietly.
\nIn the dark.
\nWhen no one else can hear.<\/p>\n
I tell him I love him.<\/p>\n
I tell him I miss him.<\/p>\n
I tell him I\u2019m trying.<\/p>\n
Because that\u2019s all I can do.<\/p>\n
Try to wake up.
\nTry to breathe.
\nTry to take one more step forward.<\/p>\n
Even when my heart is still broken.<\/p>\n
And maybe one day\u2026<\/p>\n
The pain won\u2019t disappear.<\/p>\n
But it will soften.<\/p>\n
Just enough for me to remember him\u2026<\/p>\n
Without completely falling apart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My baby passed away 112 days ago. People told me time would make it easier. That the sharpness of the pain would fade. That I would slowly \u201clearn to live … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1613,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[3,4,5],"class_list":["post-1612","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-story-of-life","tag-family","tag-friend","tag-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1612","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1612"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1612\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1614,"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1612\/revisions\/1614"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1613"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1612"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1612"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/storylifedaily.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1612"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}